Today’s edition of Storytime from The Dad:
So I had a crazy experience yesterday. I was dead for like 5 minutes, but when you’re dead, for those of you who have never died, time is nearly infinite, and it felt like days.
First, I went to heaven and I was outside the pearly gates and this dude was looking at me sideways, and I was like “yo, stop lookin at me like that.”
Then, this black preacher dude showed up, and I recognized him as being that preacher, from the newspaper, who had previously been busted for selling pictures of heaven from the last time he died, and I was like- “yo, dude, you’re that preacher! You’re innocent! You weren’t lying. You really did take pictures of heaven. Wow.”
Then, the gates opened up and I saw heaven and it was beautiful. It looked exactly like one of Puff Daddy’s white parties, and yeah, all the liberals were right, Jesus is totally black. Dreadlocks even. And he was smoking a spliff, and then he was like- “You wanna hit this”, and I was like, “fuck yes, black Jesus!”, and he was like, “Brah, that was a test, and you just fucked up, Bye Felicia!”
The gates closed, everything started spinning, and then, yo, my ass totally caught fire.
My ass was on fire, so I stopped, dropped and rolled just like they teach you in school, and when I stopped rolling I looked around and I was like, fa-uck!
I was in hell.
This serpent appeared before me and he was fucking HUGE and he had a giant fiery dick and big titties, but they didn’t have nipples, they just had tats where the nipples should’ve been, and I don’t know why but the tats were Norm MacDonald’s face, and that kinda made me laugh, and then music started playing, and it was pretty cool. The song was “Happy” by Pharrell, which I thought was ironic, given that we were in hell and everything, and then the serpent started dancing on his belly and I started dancing and then Anna Nicole Smith showed up and she was, like, totally grinding on the serpent, and then Marilyn Monroe showed up and I was grinding on her and it was awesome, and then the song ended, and Marilyn’s face turned into Dennis Hopper’s face and he tried to kiss me and I started running and Dennis Hopper’s face on Marilyn Monroe’s body was chasing me around hell and then “Happy” by Pharrell started playing again and suddenly it wasn’t ironic anymore and by the fourth time it played in a row I totally understood what they were going for down there in hell.
And then I felt a slap in my face and I woke up and The Bride had just injected my heart with adrenaline from a long-ass needle like the one from Pulp Fiction, and I jumped up in the bed, terrified, and I said, “what happened?”
And she was like, “Dude, I finally gave you that threesome you’ve been begging me for for the last decade, and against my better judgement, I kissed that girl the way you wanted me to, and I guess it was too much for you and you had a heart attack.”
And I was like, whoa, damn, and she was like, “yeah, so next time you bug me for a three-some, I’m going to remind you of this.”
And I was like, “fuck, I totally blew my shot, huh?”
And she was like, “you sure did, bud.”
(Disclaimer: this story is not 100% true… except the part about me bugging The Bride for a threesome for the last decade. That’s 100%)