I was recently hitch-hiking through Ethiopia. It’s believed that this is where the Garden of Eden was. While hitch-hiking, I passed a burning bush. I wasn’t watching my steps and I stumbled over a large limestone tablet. After picking myself up off the ground, I examined the tablet. I flipped it over and inscribed on it were some conversations between God and Adam. I can’t definitively prove the authenticity of this tablet, but it was autographed by God, and when I began to read it aloud an angel, or a spirit or something, appeared before me and said, “this is the word of your God. Believe it or perish.”
So, anyway, I’m gonna believe it.
Here is how it read-
God: I am awesome! I made a living, thinking creature! I will call it human. And he will go by the name of Adam.
Adam: Thanks God. Being alive is cool.
God: You can have anything you want in this magical garden. You will never have to work or suffer or feel pain or hunger. There is only one rule- do not eat any apples from my special apple tree. It is the tree of knowledge.
Adam: I can totally handle that. I’ll never have to waste any time or energy acquiring food, so I can use all that extra free time to use my big brain to contemplate my existence and the point of life. I have a lot questions.
God: Yeah. Haha. The cruel irony of this situation is that all of the answers you seek can be had by eating just one apple from my tree of knowledge.
Adam: I see what you did there.
*One month later-
Adam: God, ya know, life is friggin awesome. My belly is full, and I’m so thrilled to be blessed with this garden of never-ending nutrient dense food that I’m fine without having all of life’s answers. I have no desire to eat from your tree of knowledge. I’ve got a good thing going here, and I’m not going to screw it up.
God: I’m glad to hear that Adam.
Adam: Just one thing. It does get a bit lonely here in this garden. You’re all mysterious and private and answer all my questions in vague colloquialisms, and that’s fine, that’s you, and I love you for you. I’m just saying, I’ve never even met you, and this long-distance relationship has left me a bit lonely. It’d be nice to have a little company here since I’m going to live immortally forever. Forever is a long time to be alone.
God: I see your point.
Adam: Thanks God.
God: Now just hold still, this is going to hurt a little.
*God removes Adam’s rib.
Adam: Ouch! God da–, I mean, holy smokes that hurt!
God: We’re you going to take my name in vain?
Adam: No. Never. I’d never do that.
God: Good, now just hang on one second. (God starts talking jibberish. He’s previously told Adam that this is called ‘speaking in tongues’)
God: I am awesome! I made another thinking human creature. This one shall be called Eve.
Adam: Wow! Thank you so much, God. She’s beautiful! And she’s so soft and she smells so nice. She’s so perfect. Thank you! I will always treasure her and love her.
God: I’m glad you like her. Listen, I’m going to take her for a run of the garden, and I’ll have her back to you before dawn.
Adam: Thank you, God.
*Three hours later, God returns.
Adam: Hey, Eve! I’m so happy to have you here in the garden, you’re going to love it here.
*Adam moves in to hug her.
God: Hold it, Adam!
Adam: What man?
God: Listen, Adam, you’re not allowed to touch her.
Adam: Why not?
God: Hmm, well, I’m not really sure. But look, when I made her from your rib, something seems to have come defective.
Adam: What do you mean?
God: I mean, something came out wrong. I think your rib was defective or something. I should’ve used a leg or something.
Adam: But then I’d only have one leg.
God: Good point. Anyway, parts of Eve seem to have come out turned inside out, and well, I mean, look at you two. Your bodies are way different.
Adam: Obviously. It’s weird but it’s kind of exciting. She doesn’t have a little Eve and she has front bags above her belly. They’re nice. They make me feel funny.
God: Yeah, so, no touching. It seems like a good rule to put in place. So, worship me and love me, don’t eat from the tree of knowledge, and don’t touch Eve. Got it.
Adam: I got it… And God?
God: Yes Adam?
Adam: Thanks again. I mean it.
God (smiling): You got it. Anything for a friend created in my own image.
*One month later-
Adam: Listen, God. You’re amazing. You’re my God. I will never worship another god but you, God. And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
Adam: It’s just that, well… Eve is cool and all; she has lots of interesting points of view, but she second-guesses pretty much every single decision I make. She back-seat drives whenever we are hiking through the garden. She’s constantly nagging me about where I leave my pear cores and how I like to pick my teeth with the stem after I eat. It’s annoying to leave pear skin in your teeth, you know?
God: You don’t need to tell me, I invented pears.
Adam: Right. Anyway, Eve’s had me dig up half the plants and trees in the garden and plant them in other spots only to complain about the new spots after I’ve done it. I was all, like, ‘Eve, God is omnipotent and he put these where he thought was best. Do you think your plans for the design of this garden are going to be superior to the creator of the garden?’ And she was all like, ‘Why don’t you ever support me or my ambitions? Why do you have to be such a jerk?’ And then she started crying. I can’t handle this everyday.
God: I hear you, Adam.
Adam: And, on the 7th day, the day of rest, I like to drink some fermented cider and I paint numbers on snail shells and then watch the snails race down on the sheet rock, and she’s totally not into it. She’ll say, “Adam why do you waste your time watching those damn snails race and killing your brain cells with that poison?”
Adam: I know that cheering for one snail to beat another in some stupid race is a waste of time, and I know that fermented cider is bad for my brain cells, but, ya know, well, after six straight days of doing her bidding, I just want to unwind a little.
God: How can I help you with this situation?
Adam: Well, God. Eve is beautiful and soft and she smells nice, and I love all that, but what good does that do me if I’m not allowed to… you know… do the thing?
God: What thing?
Adam: You know, God.
God: No, honestly, I don’t. What are you talking about?
Adam: I’m talking about putting my little Adam in the wet cavity where her little Eve never grew.
God: Is that something you’d like to do?
Adam: I mean… well, wouldn’t you?
God: Hell no! She pees out of there. Ewe, gross. I can’t believe you want to do that.
Adam: I mean, maybe just the tip. If you just let me put the tip of my little Adam in, that would probably do it.
God: Just the tip?
Adam: Yeah, and maybe let me squeeze her soft and bouncy front bags.
God: I see. I’m a god, I have no desires of the flesh. I never foresaw this kind of problem coming.
Adam: You said I’m going to live forever, right?
Adam: And you promised me I’d never suffer, right?
Adam: Well, right now, I’m kind of suffering. The marble bag below my little Adam just feels like it has the weight of a thousand pear trees on it, and I feel like, well, if I could grab her front bags and just put the tip in her little Eve cavity, then it might relieve some of the weight I feel on my marble sack.
God: I guess that makes sense. However, I can’t help but feeling that if you put the tip of little Adam in that means that you love her more and me less.
Adam: God, that doesn’t really make sense. You’re the creator of the entire Universe so you’re obviously a very logical man. I’m sure you can see, logically, that my need to unburden this weight from my marble sack in no way has anything to do with the way I feel about you. I love you forever, to the moon and back.
God: That’s not even that far, dude.
Adam: I love you from here to the very end of the Universe and back.
God: The Universe has no measurable end, so that’s a terrible analogy.
Adam: I love you from here to the next galaxy over, and back, times 999 trillion. I love you God.
God: I love you too, Adam. You’ve been my best friend ever since I had to kick Lucipher out of my crib.
Adam: Thanks God. Anyway, the point is, look, I don’t really get why I can’t eat an apple off your precious tree of knowledge, but I’ve always abided by your law because you’ve given me so much and asked for very little except my worship and my devoted love, that I not eat from that tree, and now, also, for some reason, you’ve asked that I not touch Eve. So, I do these things. I wake up every morning and I sing you songs, and then I kneel down and tell you how awesome you are for, like, a couple hours or so. I eat breakfast, I take a swim, I kneel and tell you how cool you are, or how awesome the mountains you made are, or what an amazing job you did on such and such mountain, or whatever it is that you’re working on at the time. And it’s all sincere. I mean it. You are truly talented God. You’re amazing.
God: Thank you, Adam.
Adam: I eat, but never from the knowledge tree, I eat so much that I feel like I’m gonna split. I never poop because you made my life so awesome and suffering free that I don’t even need to poop. I kneel and sing you a song about the gorgeous sky you’ve created. I sit with Eve a bit, I admire the beauty and craftsmanship that went in to creating her, and I do it from afar, without touching her. We talk, sometimes about nothing, sometimes we ponder our existence. She really wants to eat one of those damned apples but I won’t let her, and then, of course, she gets all weepy and nags me about unrelated things. Or, she’ll just go over to the adjacent garden and she won’t talk to me for three days, and I’ll ask her what’s wrong and she’ll say ‘nothing’ even though it’s obvious something is wrong.
God: It’s like she expects you to be a mind-reader or something.
God: Sorry bro, I had no idea.
Adam: Well, I mean, how could you? There’s no way you could know. She’s very complicated and mysterious and she’s good at the art of manipulation. You’re a being of logic and she defies it.
God: But she’s exciting though, right? You’re not lonely anymore, right?
Adam: This is true. But I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, if I can’t touch her, I’m not sure it’s worth it to put up with all the other crap.
God: Watch your language son.
Adam: Crap? You said I couldn’t take your name in vain. That’s all. Why can’t I say crap?
God: Well, honestly, I just started to feel that it was a good idea… And Eve happens to agree. She doesn’t think you should say crap or shit or asshole. Those are off the table now.
Adam: Fuck man!
God: That one too. Eve thinks it’s foul sounding.
Adam: Holy moly! You see, God! You are the creator of the Universe and now you’re taking orders from a human you created.
God: I wasn’t taking orders, it was just a suggestion she made and I happened to agree with it.
God: Watch it, Adam.
Adam: That’s just bull, God. That’s what she does. She gets you to do what you want by making you think it was your idea. She tricked you. She’s crafty.
God: Wow. Now that you mention it, I dunno. Maybe. I mean, this whole new color scheme of the southern plains doesn’t seem right.
Adam: It’s not right dam—dangit! No plain is supposed to be pink! Pink wasn’t even a color before Eve came along!
God: I think you’re right about that now that I think back. We had blue and red and green and yellow, but pink is a completely new thing.
Adam: The next thing you know, she’ll want the clouds to turn pink and lavender during sunset.
*God doesn’t respond.
*Adam looks up at the sky. The sun is setting and the clouds are purple and lavender.
Adam: Jesus Christ, God!
God: Hey! Don’t ever say that again!
Adam: Why? Eve doesn’t like it?
God: No. She didn’t mention that one. It just feels wrong to me. I’m not sure why. Just don’t say it, okay?
Adam: Okay, I won’t. I always do whatever you tell me to do.
*Adam looks at where his shadow is falling on his sundial.
Adam: Let’s hold this conversation for a minute. It’s 6PM. Evening praise you time.
Adam: God is good. God is great. Thank you God for the mountains, the sun, the Earth, this garden, my life, my health, Eve. Thank you, God for being the most beautiful and handsome and perfect God that anyone has in the entire Universe. Thank you God for being the coolest God ever and always addressing my concerns. Thank you God for your open-mindedness to this whole touching Eve issue. Oh, God you are so brilliant, Oh Go-
God: Okay Adam, enough sucking up.
Adam: What are you talking about? I’m not sucking up. Those are the praises I say every night at 6PM evening praise time.
God: Sure. Whatever. Just get to the point. What do you want from me?
Adam: God. You are everything. You’re amazing.
God: On with it.
Adam: But one area you are lacking in is that you aren’t the best listener. You also sometimes don’t use common sense.
God: That’s because I’m not common. I’m friggin God.
Adam: Valid point… Anyway, I already told you what I want. God, I want to be able to dip the tip.
God: Dip the tip?
Adam: Yes, God. You said no touching when you gave me Eve. But just allow me to dip the tip of my little Adam into her Eve-cave, to unburden the uncomfortable weight in my marble sack, and I’m sure that everything will be fine.
God: And this won’t make you love me less?
Adam: Nothing could ever make me love you less.
God: You’re positive.
Adam: I’m positive.
God: Okay then. You can dip the tip… But no more than that.
Adam: And play with her front bags, just while I’m dipping the tip.
God: What? Why?
Adam: I just feel like it will help speed along the process of the bag unweighting.
God: Fine. You can touch the front bags. But only during marble bag unweighting.
Adam: Oh man! Thanks God! You’re the best god ever. I wish you had a body, and you were here, so I could hug the cra–, err, hug the snot out of you.
God: No worries, Adam. Frankly, I’m not even exactly sure why I gave you that rule in the first place. I guess that maybe I felt like you were getting soft, because of how easy life in the garden is, and I wanted to make it a little more challenging.
Adam: I can respect that. But don’t you think it’s probably more likely that Eve wanted the no touching rule and she somehow convinced you that the idea was yours.
*God, thinking, pondering what Adam said.
God: I think you might be right. That bitch!
Adam: You might want to check on that word with Eve. Something tells me that one might be a problem for her.
God: Hey, Mister, I’m the boss around here! Not Eve. I’ll say whatever I damn well please. Shit!
Adam: Okay, I’m glad to hear that. Well, look, as the only men in the Universe –
God: I’m not a man. I’m asexual.
Adam: Really? I didn’t know that about you.
God: Yes, all the god’s are asexual.
Adam: I thought you said there is no god but you.
God: Err, umm, yeah, that.
Adam: Anyway, now that we—
God: Hold on Adam, I have a call coming in on the other line.
*God answers the other line
God: Hello, God speaking.
Eve: Hey God, what’s going on?
God: Not much, Eve, I’m working on the planet adjacent to Earth, but I’m not sure what color to make it.
Eve: Since Earth is mostly green, maybe make it red, then you have a whole Christmas theme going in the solar system, you know?
God: Not a bad idea, Eve. I’ll think about it. Thanks.
Eve: Plus, red will match the fruit on your sacred tree of knowledge.
God: Good point.
Eve: Have you given anymore thought to our previous conversation?
God: About letting you eat from the tree?
Eve: No, silly goose. Remember, it’s Adam that wants to eat from it. I was thinking that maybe you would let me pick a few apples from the tree to make him an apple pie on his first birthday. Remember? We talked all about this.
God: Oh yes, I remember.
*God is lying. He doesn’t remember. Sometimes, Eve’s stories get really long, they lose context, and seem to go nowhere, so he does something quiet, like blowing up a volcano on one of the moons around Saturn, or something like that, until she stops talking. He does however remember her mentioning the tree of knowledge though. She works it into every conversation.
*Eve is also lying. She doesn’t want to bake Adam an apple pie. She just wants permission to take apples from the tree without having to own the responsibility for being the one at fault for taking the first bite.
*God should’ve known Eve was lying, because he knows everything. However, the problem here is that Eve has convinced herself that she believes what she is saying. If she believes it to be true, then there’s no way to detect the lie. Eve learned this very complicated trick on only her second day of life when she got annoyed with the way Adam chewed his food, and so, to retaliate, she spit in his food the next day. When God asked her about it, she lied, and he busted her. She cried though, so he let her off with a warning. Ever since then, starting on day 3, she’s been spitting in Adam’s food, but then convincing herself that the talking snake spit in Adam’s food before God asks her the question. God hasn’t been able to see what was actually going down with the spitting because she does it inside the kryptonite cave. Most historians believe that kryptonite was Superman’s weakness. However, God actually wrote Superman, under the pen-name Jerry Siegel, in order to throw potential threats off the track of his only weakness.
Anyway, on with our dialogue –
Eve: No problem, my Lord.
God: My Lord? I like that. Adam has never called me that.
Eve: Yeah, well, Adam doesn’t really know how to treat an omnipotent master of the Universe the way that I do. But I can’t take credit for that.
God: Why not?
Eve: Well, because that’s you. You made me this way. All my talents and my beauty are directly the result of your amazingly skillful work.
God: Aww, Eve, you’re making me blush.
*As God begins to blush, his paintbrush fills with red while he is covering the outer-core of what will become known as “Mars”
Eve: Wow, goddy-God, that color is beautiful. I can see it from here. It really stands out. Such a talented Lord.
God: Thanks Eve… Oh, hey Eve, I almost forgot, Adam is on the other line. I don’t want to keep him waiting too long. Is there something you called for, or do you want me to just call you when I get off with him?
Eve: You can call me back later. It’s really no biggie.
God: Okay, talk to you later.
Eve: It’s just that…
God: What dear?
Eve: Well, I heard a new word today, and it was a word that I felt that you wouldn’t like too much. It felt to me like this word would really bother you. I mean, I wouldn’t presume to know what goes on inside your incredibly brilliant mind, but when I heard this word, I was just like, ‘this feels like the kind of word that God would not be okay with.’
God: What was it?
Eve: You know what? Nevermind. You have bigger things to worry about. I’m sorry I bothered you.
God: Eve, it’s never a bother talking to you. Tell me what this word is. I don’t want anyone using any language that I deem inappropriate.
Eve: You sure?
God: I’m positive
Eve: It was “bitch.”
God: I said that word to Adam just a minute ago.
Eve: You did? Oh my. What a crazy coincidence. I didn’t know that. I heard it from that talking snake in the garden, and when he said it, I didn’t love it, but there was just something about the aggressive and nasty tone of that word that made me think, ‘My loving and all-knowing God just would not approve of that word.’
God: Hmmm. You know what. I think you’re right. I can’t believe I said it myself.
Eve: Don’t even worry about it. You have so much to keep track of, it’s amazing you can do it all. I’d be completely flustered if I had 1/1,000th of the responsibility you do. It’s all I can do to just keep the flower garden groomed and my skin blemish free. Anyway, I’d be willing to bet that that dirty snake gave that word to Adam and Adam probably slipped it into conversation with you at some point, and without even noticing it, it became part of your lexicon. Adam and that snake can be sneaky like that sometimes.
God: They sure can. Well look, it will never happen again. The word “bitch” is forever banned from my garden.
Eve: That’s a great idea, God. You’re amazing.
God: Oh, hey, before I let you go, I need to mention something to you.
Eve: What is it, my Lord?
God: Adam has brought to my attention that he would like to dip the tip. How do you feel about that?
Eve: Dip the tip?
God: Yes. He would like to put his little Adam into your frontal cavity because he thinks it will help relieve some of the burden he feels in his marble sack.
Eve: Will it?
God: I think it will give him some relief, yes. And I did promise him a life of no suffering, so it seems to be fair, no?
Eve: Well, yeah, but that seems like it might hurt, no?
God: Hmm. Good point. And I did promise you no suffering.
Eve: You did. That’s how we arrived at this no-touching rule on the first day you made me.
God: That’s right. You did kind of steer me right on that one.
Eve: Right. Adam’s promised a life without suffering, but you made me the same promise.
God: Hmm. Okay. How about this – I’ll make Adam’s little Adam 75% smaller so that dipping the tip doesn’t cause you any pain.
Eve: I think that’s a terrific idea. You see, you can solve every problem the Universe serves up.
*God’s emergency line lights up
God: Hey Eve, the emergency line is going off, I have to take this, just hold the line.
Eve: Okay My Lord.
God: I love that. (*God clicks over to the emergency line) Hello?
Adam: God, I don’t know what the hell just happened, but my little Adam just got way more little and I’m freaking out over here!
God: Don’t say hell!
Adam: What? Seriously? Okay, whatever, I’m sorry. Look, God, my little Adam no longer touches my knee. Now it barely hangs lower than my marble sack! I think I’m dying! You said I was immortal! What’s happening? Fix me!!!
God: Relax, Adam. You’re just having a little anxiety combined with some body insecurities. You’re not dying.
Adam: Why did this happen? Can you fix it.
God: I don’t even see what you’re talking about. You look totally normal to me.
Adam: Normal? My snake is now a worm! What the hell, God!
God: Look, I got Eve on the other line. I gotta go. I told you to only use this line for emergencies.
Adam: This is a freaking emer –
*God hangs up on him. Picks up the line with Eve.
God: Sorry about that, love. It was just Adam.
Eve: He okay?
God: He’s fine. Anyway, is there anything else you needed?
Eve: No, you’ve given me all I’ll ever need. However, I did think of something that might concern you.
God: What is it?
Eve: Well, even though you are the creator of my body, you did give it to me, so now it’s kind of mine. How do you feel about some person being able to stick something into my body whenever they want?
God: I guess I don’t think that’s right. Adam shouldn’t be able to do with your body as he pleases, even if it does help him. I think he should have to ask your permission first.
Eve: Like I said, you have all the answers for all the problems. I love you goddy-God.
God: (blushing again)- Good-bye, Eve
Eve: Good-bye, my most powerful Lord God.
*God hangs up. He kicks his feet up and starts moving some stars around. His line starts ringing again. He answers.
Adam: I don’t know why you made my little Adam smaller, or why you let it get smaller, but I trust you. As I was sitting here, by myself, singing your praises, I thought, God knows what’s best. If he wants my little Adam to be really little, like microscopically little, then it’s probably what’s best for me. I don’t need a reason because God is the dopest.
God: Stop sucking up.
Adam: Yes sir.
Adam: Yes God.
God: Why don’t you ever refer to me as ‘My Lord’?
Adam: Mmm, I dunno. I guess that feels a little gay-ish?
God: No it doesn’t. I like it.
Adam: Okay fine. So tell me, my Lord, are you positive you don’t maybe want to give me an inch or seventeen back, my Lord?
God: First, you’re right, it does sound gay-ish when you say it, so stop it. Second, stop with the body insecurity stuff and leave it alone. You are starting to have me believing that you are worshipping the little Adam. If you do that, then I must destroy him altogether. I will not have you worshipping false idols.
Adam: No. never. I would never. I love my tiny microscopic Adam. He’s perfect because you are perfect and you made this little friggin thing.
God: I’m glad you feel that way.
Adam: Moving along, are we straight now on the whole dipping the tip ordeal?
God: Yes. I’ve decided that you may dip the tip.
Adam: That’s terrific!
God: However, you may only do so if you first ask Eve’s permission.
Adam: What? Man, she’s going to milk that for everything it’s worth. She put you up to this, didn’t she?
God: We didn’t even talk about dipping the tip. I make all the decisions around here.
Adam: I know this was that bitch’s idea!
God: Hey! Never, EVER, say that word!
Adam: What word? Bitch?
God: I just said, DON’T SAY THAT WORD.
Adam: You just said that word like, literally, five minutes ago.
God: I exist outside of time, your reference means nothing to me.
Adam: You said that word previously today.
God: Previous? Today? Are these not constructs of human time?
Adam: You said that friggin word during this current rotation of the Earth.
God: Whatever, bro. Do as I say, not as I do.
Adam: Im not one to criticize, but that’s terrible leadership. A great leader leads by example and I just heard you say that word.
God: Yeah, because you somehow put that word into my lexicon..
Adam: What the heck’s a lexicon?
God: I dunno. Ask Eve. She said it, and the point is – no more saying that word!
Adam: Man, don’t you see what’s going on??? She’s totally manipulating you, God. Don’t let her do that to you.
God: Look, I gave you what you wanted. Be grateful, say your praises tonight, and go to sleep. Good night.
Adam: Yes, my Lord (sarcastically and extra gay-ish), good-night.
*Adam hangs up, looks around for Eve. He spots her by the uat tree, snacking. That word, cumquat, has always made him uncomfortable, why isn’t that a forbidden word, he thinks.
*He approaches Eve. Eve sees him coming, drops the fruit, pretends to be sleeping.
Adam: Hey Eve
Adam: Eve, I know you just got off with God and I saw you eating the cumquat, so I know you’re awake.
Adam: I wanted to ask if I could dip the tip tonight. My marbles are killing me.
*Adam goes to sleep
8 hours later:
*Adam, wide awake for the last three hours, staring at Eve, waiting for her to wake.
Adam: Hey beautiful lovely girl. You look so nice today. What a beautiful day. May I make you breakfast and then massage your beautiful feet?
Eve: What a treat, Adam, you don’t have to do that.
Adam: I want to. You just hang tight, and I’ll be back with breakfast in a few.
Eve: Can we have apples?
Adam: Of course.
Eve: From the tree of knowledge?
Adam: You know we can’t do that. Why must you bring it up every single day?
Eve: From what I hear, it’s the tastiest thing this garden has to offer.
Adam: Where did you hear that?
Eve: I don’t remember exactly. I think some snake mentioned it.
Adam: We aren’t eating from the tree of knowledge.
Eve: I heard it will help your marbles to be relieved.
Adam: God told you, huh?
Adam: I knew you guys were talking about my marbles. He’s such a blabber mouth
Eve: He means well.
*Adam looks down at his little Adam
Adam: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with this travesty, would you?
Eve: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Adam: I know God didn’t do this on his own. No way.
Eve: Look, anyway, eating from the tree of knowledge will help your issue.
Adam: (pauses, thinking)- That can’t be true. God would’ve told me if that were the case.
Eve: You’re so naïve, Adam. He just doesn’t want you to be smarter than him. If you ate from the tree, you’d be smart enough to figure out how to relieve your own marbles, and you wouldn’t need my help.
Adam: I’ll fix you breakfast. Just relax.
*Adam runs off. He’s annoyed. He knows she’s trying to manipulate him by calling him naïve, he knows that she knows that he hates that.
*Eve is annoyed. She almost had him. At least she’s getting closer.
*Adam returns with figs, guava, rice, freshly caught fish, and coffee beans. He grinds the beans, makes coffee, filets and fries the fish in coconut oil, and while the coffee is brewing, he begins giving her a foot massage.
Adam: My sweet beautiful tulip, I had a question for you.
Adam: Well, we’ve known each other since the day God created from the rib that is no longer inside my body.
Eve: We have.
Adam: It really hurt when he took that rib to create you.
Eve: Get to the point, Adam.
Adam: Okay, look, there’s nobody else in this garden except for you and me, and that annoying talking snake, and well, this pressure I’ve been feeling lately in my marble sack is becoming too much to bare, and-
Eve: And you want to soil my body with your dirty tip.
Adam: Did God tell you that too?
Eve: He did.
Adam: Well aren’t you two just a couple of Chatty Cathys? Anyway, what do you think?
Eve: I think you should move the orange tree over by the coconut tree so that I don’t have to be inconvenienced when making those orange-coconut daquiris that you love so much, and that will also leave us with more open space near the flower garden. After that, I we should talk about your marble sack problem.
Adam: I friggin knew you were going to give me a hard time about this.
Eve: By the way, what makes you think there’s marbles in your sack? I mean, that doesn’t make any logical sense.
Adam: The talking snake told me.
Eve: That snake is the biggest BSer in the whole garden. You know, if you just eat the stinkin’ fruit from the tree of knowledge, then you’d know what’s in your sack in addition to all of life’s other mysteries.
Adam: I like mysteries. They keep life, well, mysterious. Why do I need to know the answers?
Eve: Just get to work, Adam
*12 hours of hard labor later
Adam: Hey my love, I moved the orange tree, just how you wanted it. So can we talk about DTP?
Adam: Dipping the tip.
Eve: Sexual acronyms won’t be cool for at least 10,000 years. You just made it sound even creepier than it already is. Besides, now that I think about it, the orange tree was better where it was.
Adam: Are you freaking serious?
Eve: Yes. The way it is now, the orange tree is blocking some of the sun for the coconut tree.
Adam: If I move it, then you’ll let me D the T?
Eve: If you promise to never say ‘D the T’ again, then we can talk about it.
*15 hours later, Adam has put the orange tree back, and Eve awakens in the flower garden to find Adam, covered in dirt, staring at her.
Eve: (startled) Stop staring at me, you’re freaking me out.
Adam: Sorry. Are you ready to do it?
Eve: I’m hungry, and you smell gross.. Maybe after breakfast and a bath.
Adam: Then we can do it?
Eve: Then we can talk about it.
*3 hours later, Adam has made Eve breakfast and he’s bathed in the sea.
Adam: Eve, I can’t take this anymore. Seriously, my marble sack feels like it has the weight of all mankind on it.
Eve: That’s us, Adam. We’re all of mankind.
Adam: What’s it going to take for you to give me permission?
Eve: What makes you think it’s going to make anything better?
Adam: I know my body, and it’s telling me I need to do this.
Eve: I’m unconvinced.
Adam: What would convince you?
Eve: Maybe if we ate from the tree of knowledge it would bring some clarity to this issue.
Adam: You know we can’t do that.
Eve: Why? What’s the big deal? Is God afraid we’ll be as smart as him? Sounds like your typical patriarchal bull.
Adam: God isn’t a he. He’s asexual.
Eve: Yeah right. I know an insecure man when I see one.
Adam: You know he can hear everything you’re saying, right?
Eve: It’s my time of month, and I may not know much, but I know men tune women out during their time of month. He ain’t hearing shit right now.
Adam: Time of month? What the heck are you talking about?
Eve: You really want to know?
Adam: If it will help move this process along, then yes.
Eve: Eat the apple, you’ll know everything then, and then maybe give me a bite.
Adam: If we do this, you’ll let me dip the tip?
Eve: I’ll let you dunk the trunk if you eat –
*Crunch (sound of Adam gobbling down an apple. He’s halfway through it before she’s finished her sentence)
*He breaks off another apple and feeds it to Eve.
*A talking snake appears and says some bull-shit.
*Adam dunks the trunk.
*Adam cums in exactly 3 seconds
*Adam passes out.
*Eve smiles a devious smile. She knows she’s forever in charge now.
*Adam wakes, he smiles at Eve, she nods. He dunks the trunk once more. After, he arrogantly grabs an apple off of the tree of knowledge. He takes a deeply satisfying bite.
*The heavens part, lightening crashes down, thunder roars.
God: Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life.
God: Basically, life is going to start sucking, real hard.
Adam: Yeah… okay… but, umm, can I keep dunking the trunk?
God: You have free will to do as you choose. But there are consequences to your actions.
Adam: What’s that supposed to mean?
*The skies clear up, and God’s voice dissipates
Adam: What’s wrong? What is it, Eve –
*Adam turns, looks at Eve, her belly is gigantic. Almost like something is living inside it.
Adam: What the fuck happened to your stomach?
Eve: How the hell should I know?
Adam: I thought this apple was supposed to give us all the answers! The only thing I know is that I don’t know anymore shit than I did before I ate the fucking apple!
Eve: Why did you let that talking snake talk you into that? You ass-hole! Look what you’ve done to me!!!
Adam: What? Me? The snake? Are you out of your friggin mind???
*Eve storms off.
*Adam storms off in the opposite direction.
*He takes a seat near the orange blossoms. He looks down, he little Adam is erect again.
Adam: (to himself) Not again. Seriously, little Adam? There’s no way she’s letting you dunk the trunk today.
*He rubs it to try to make it go away.
*It doesn’t work, but it does feel awesome.
*He finishes the job.
*He falls asleep.
*3 hours later –
*Adam wakes up. He rubs his eyes.
*He can’t see anything.
*He rubs his eyes some more. He opens them again.
*He still can’t see.
Eve (frantic): put your hand on my belly. I think there’s something inside there, and I felt it trying to kick my insides. What the fuck, Adam???
Adam: I can’t even see you, Eve, I’m fucking blind? What the fuck?
Eve: I’m freaking out, Adam!
*She looks down. His little Adam is erect.
Eve: How can you want to dunk the trunk at a time like this??? There’s a creature in my belly and you might be blind!
Adam: I don’t know, Eve. Little Adam has a mind of his own. I have no control over him! He’s a monster!
Eve: Well, you need to control your monster, and we need to figure out what to do about the monster in my stomach.
*Lightening crashes. The heaven’s part.
Eve: God. What is happening to me?
God: You are pregnant?
Eve: What does that mean, my Lord?
God: It means, that in a few months, a baby human will be born from you..
Eve: There’s a person inside me?
God: There is. He is your child. He is your son. He is a blessing and a curse, and he will be ready to come out of you in a few months.
Eve: Come out of me? How?
God: Out of your Eve cave.
Eve: God, that’s going to hurt so terribly bad!
Eve: But God, you said we wouldn’t suffer. That’s why you made Adam’s little Adam smaller for me.
Adam: I fucking knew it! You bitch!
God: Silence! You are piling up the sins faster than I can create ways to punish you!
Adam: Punish me?
God: Yes. Punish you. Your sins must be paid for to be absolved.
Adam: Am I blind now?
Adam: What? Why God?
God: Because you massaged little Adam into submission.
God: So, you’re blind now.
Adam: That doesn’t even make sense. How does that lead to blindness.
God: I decided that you may dunk the trunk, but it might lead to more babies. However, you are not allowed to do anything else to relieve the pressure in your marbles. Blindness is the penalty for it.
Adam: That sucks! And you could’ve told me first.
God (in a whiny voice, mimicking Adam): You could’ve told me first.
Adam: Are you mocking me?
Adam: So you’re telling me that my marbles are going to have a constant need to have the pressure released, but that the only way I’m allowed to do it is by dunking the trunk in Eve, and to do that, I have to get her permission?
*Eve smiles an evil smile.
Adam: This sucks! God Dammit!
*Adam feels a breeze on top of his head.
*He touches the top of his head.
*His hair is gone.
Adam: What the shit!?! Where’s my hair?
God: The punishment for taking my name in vain will be hair loss.
Adam: What? Why? You’ve never mentioned that before.
God: I just thought of it, like, literally, this very second. Pretty clever, no?
Eve: You are so clever and smart, my Lord.
God: Thank you, Eve.
Adam: Stop sucking up, you bitch!
*More of Adam’s hair falls out.
Adam: What the heck??? I didn’t take your name in vain.
God: I was feeling inspired.
Adam: Can you at least, like, write all these rules down so that I can read them and understand them?
God: What good would that do, you’re blind.
*God laughs, the Earth shakes.
Adam: Good point. I guess Eve could read them to me.
God: That’s fair, I’ll write and give them to Eve.
Adam: Wait, on second thought, maybe just tell them to me. I have a pretty good memory.
Eve: No, I like the first plan. Let me have them, my Lord. I’ll make sure this apple grabber keeps in line.
Adam: You’re the freaking one that made me eat the apple!
Eve: Yeah, well, what-evs.
*Thunder rumbles, a giant streak of lightening goes across the sky and strikes a pear tree. It blows it to smithereans.
*Left behind, is a giant book.
God: I will call it, The Bible.
Eve: My Lord, you wrote a whole book, you are so inspiring!
God: (blushing) – Thank you, Eve. Actually though, I wrote a book before. It was a fictional tale about a post-apocalyptic dystopian world in which a teenage bow hunting girl, who was part of a starving village, in one of the 13 districts that existed to serve the empire, eventually took on the evil empire, to help restore ethics to the world.
Eve: You’re so smart, my Lord. I don’t understand what half the words are that you just said, but I am in awe of you.
Adam: What the fuck is going on with you two? Eve, dude, he put a person in your belly.
Eve: No, Adam, you put that person in my belly when you made me eat your apple from the tree of knowledge and then dunked your trunk in my vagina.
Adam: Vagina? What’s a vagina.
Eve: It’s my new name for my Eve cave. I don’t like the derogatory nature of the term ‘Eve cave.’
Adam: So you’re going with vagina? Ewe. That’s like, the worst sounding word I’ve ever heard… except maybe cumquat.
God: Watch it, buddy, that one was mine.
*Eve picks up God’s bible, she’s intimidated by its heft. She starts leafing through it.
Eve: Oh my goodness, my Lord, you wrote about us! I’m so excited to read it.
God: Take your time. Digest the concepts. This is your new rule book.
Adam: So, let me get this straight… My marbles are going to fill up with heft that is going to make me incredibly uncomfortable, and to relieve this feeling, the only thing I’m allowed to do is to dunk the trunk in Eve’s (makes disgusted face) vagina. Any other method will result in some kind of penalty.
God: Equal to or worse than blindness.
Adam: Yes. That. And there’s a whole book of other rules, which, in order for me to follow them, I have to know what they are, and the only person who can tell me is Eve.
Adam: So basically, I am completely in need of Eve’s assistance if I want to lead a life free of future harsh punishment.
Adam: (defeated) This is the worst.
God: Yeah, well, shoulda thought of that before you broke the one singular rule I gave you.
Adam: And I don’t have one bit of knowledge from it.
God: That’s right. It was a test, and you failed.
Adam: Whatever man. It was Eve’s fault.
God: And now, I gotta get off the line, I’m working on a new planet out past Mars, and I’m expecting a call from Lucipher later. He wants to make up.
*God gets off the line.
*The skies part
*And a down pour of rain falls upon them.
*Adam gets up and tries to start feeling his way back to the forest of Raphia regalis trees, to seek shelter from the rain.
Eve: Where do you think you’re going?
Adam: For coverage. It’s pouring.
Eve: Carry me.
Adam: Go fuck yourself, Eve.
Eve: (holding a giant palm branch over her head to keep herself dry) My feet are swollen from this baby inside me and I want to be carried.
*Adam continues walking
Eve: It says here in this Bible that denying a request to a pregnant lady shall result in the loss of a limb.
Adam: Yeah right. You’re manipulating me. How did you find that specific passage so quickly?
Eve: There’s an index in the back of it. I looked for “pregnant.”
Eve: I’d hate for you to lose a limb, Adam.
Adam: Does it specify which limb?
Eve: (pretends to take a second look) – Nope. I guess it’s at God’s discretion.
Adam: Fine. Hop on. I’m, ya know, blind, so you have to navigate.
Eve: Great. Oh, and Adam, when we get back, I’m going to need you to get some dinner. I’m not sure why, but I’m starving.
Adam: What do you want?
Eve: Lobster… Umm, a steak… and, umm, ice cream.
Adam: What’s ice cream?
Eve: Mmmm, I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s frozen cream with sugar in it.
Adam: How am I supposed to get that for you? It’s like 90 degrees out here.
Eve: I know. I guess it’s gonna be tough, but you know, I’d hate for you to lose a limb, and all that.
Adam: Freezing crème in this heat is impossible!
Eve: Maybe you should eat some more of that tree of knowledge. Maybe that will help you.
Adam: Fuck off.
Eve: And then, for dessert, I want –
Adam: For dessert? Isn’t the frozen sugar cream dessert?
Eve: No. That’s to cleanse my palate before dessert… Anyway, before you rudely interrupted me, I was going to say that I’d like some freshly made flan for dessert.
Adam: According to that book, what is the penalty for suicide?