I now pronounce you man and goat

Just watched do an old episode of The Daily Show on YouTube where Jon Stewart refutes the likelihood that legalizing gay marriage will eventually lead to groups of people trying to get married.

He thought that was ridiculous.

I disagree.

John Stewart is a great comedian, and his political points are typically pretty well thought out. However, he’s wrong here. Now that gay marriage is legal (and it’s about time), eventually, groups of polyamorous lovers are going to try to get married and they are going use the gay rights platform to achieve the right to marry.

It’s inevitable.

Eventually, later, some guy will try to marry his kitchen table.

And so what?
Let him.
Quit being sanctimonious about the sanctity of marriage.
First of all, mind your own business.
Secondly, most marriages are miserable, people cheat, people lie, people get divorced.
Marriage isn’t holy. Never was.

You think it’s ridiculous to think that someday polyamorous people will want the right to marry one another? You don’t think it will happen?
You’re not being honest with yourself.
Where my Mormons at?
You think it’s ridiculous to take it a step further and think that one day Sally from Human Resources will want the right to marry her 72 cats?
You’re wrong.
We’ve seen battles for social equality fought in the past, we’ve seen those issues of individual rights won, and then we’ve seen them taken to the extreme.
We’ve seen it over and over and over again.

Just look at the issue of trans people that is happening right now. It’s become more mainstream recently, and that’s good. Trans people used to hide in the shadows of our society and now you have former male Olympic champions on the cover of magazines winning “Women of The Year” awards (I wonder how feminists feel about a former guy winning the woman of the year?) Anyway, the trans issue has been pushed further and further. At first, trans people just wanted to be accepted (and they should be), next they wanted to explore their rights in some gray areas like bathroom usage. Now you have parents giving children hormone therapy because they think little Tommy is a Tammy just because she likes playing with dolls. You have fifty year old men that now identify as 6 year old girls, and we are expected to go along with it. You have people who are “gender fluid” – they are boys one day, girls the next, and some days they are something in between the two. You have people claiming to be trans-species, they aren’t human at all, they are cats.
And so what?
Everyone should have the right to do whatever the hell they want to do as long as their “individual freedom of choice” doesn’t infringe on someone else’s rights.
I don’t know if it’s possible to be born with the brain of one sex and the body of another. I don’t know if this is just a form of some kind of mental disability. I honestly don’t know and I won’t pretend to know.
I do know that some people will be angry that I left the door open to the idea that this might be some kind of mental disability, like body dysmorphia, but I don’t care if people are angered. I deal in facts and reality, and at this point, this topic is still open to debate. I’ll leave it to the scientists to figure out.
All I know is that there are a couple trans-people in my family, they’re nice to me, I’m nice to them, and we all get along.
All I know is that, this week, I saw a bearded person, with huge tits, riding a pink bicycle with a pit bull in the basket.
I don’t know how this person identifies and I don’t care. That person’s choice to have a thick beard to compliment a large chest has zero impact on my life other than the fact that it made me smile because I found it interesting and a little humorous.
So, in a way, it brightened my day.
And I hope that person’s choices make that person happy.
(Notice I stuck with “person” rather than guessing a pronoun? I’m dumb, but I’m no dummy.)

The point is this: we should all be free to do as we choose so long as we cause no harm. Jon Stewart was wrong when he said that allowing gay marriage won’t eventually lead to more extreme things.
It most definitely will.
There was a gay wedding at my house this summer. It was beautiful. Being gay is not a choice, nor should we ever try to pretend it is. And gay people aren’t special; they deserve the misery that comes along with marriage just like the rest of us. I fought and marched for gay people’s right to marry going way back to the late 90s. Just like I’ll fight for the right for polyamorous people to get married, When that fight comes up.

Why? Because their rights are my rights. I am them. There are no “gay rights” or “trans rights” there are only “human rights.”

But please, don’t try to tell me that one day Fred from accounting isn’t going to invite you to his wedding, in which he marries his Luke Skywalker action figure.
It’s going to happen.
Out here, in California, marrying oneself is already a thing.
Don’t believe me? Google “self-marriage” – this is a real thing happening now.
I’ve been invited to a ceremony.
And I can not wait to go. It will be brilliant!

Look, we should all be able to do whatever we want. We get only one life, and that life is short. We all have the right to pursue our individual happiness, whatever that means.
Is it possible to be born with a penis, but a brain that is female?
No idea.
Is it possible to fall in love with a daffodil?
No idea.

But please, by all means, if you think cutting off your penis and changing your name from Nate to Nancy will make this life on Earth slightly less painful and a little more enjoyable, then do it. I’ll call you whatever name you want if it helps makes you happy, and I truly hope it does.
If you think that living out the rest of this existence in a committed monogamous and boring relationship with your electric toothbrush will make you happy, then, by all means, marry that toothbrush. And please, invite me, I definitely want to be a part of that wedding ceremony. I can’t wait to see the gift registry.

Let’s stop judging one another so much, let’s stop pretending that neighbor Joe’s personal life decisions somehow impact our personal rights, let’s stop pretending that we’re all scientists and have the answers to these complex questions, and above all, let’s allow our neighbors to pursue their own individual path towards happiness.

Being alive can be hard. Let’s not complicate it by getting in one another’s way.

Marry your friend Steve’s sweaty sock if you want.
Marry your chicken sandwich if that gets you off.

As long as it’s consenting adults making the decision, why does it matter to anyone who anyone else marries? It has literally zero impact on your life. If your friend marries his pet goat, and you don’t like that, then don’t be his friend anymore. Problem solved.

Live and let live, people!


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