Be Free. Be Happy. Hump a Pillow.

A dog will sprawl out in front of the television while you’re trying to watch House of Cards, lick and slurp away at his ass-hole, and then jump on the couch, bite a cushion to pin it down so it can’t escape him while he fucks it, and then after, fully exhausted and requitted, he will jump up on your lap and lick your face without even the slightest hint of shame in his happy eyes.

My 5-year-old will walk barefoot off the beach and into the bathroom of the beach restaurant we just ate at so that he can make a poop in their restroom. He will take off all his clothes and put them on the floor because that’s how he does it at home, he will grunt and moan like a poodle that’s trying to give birth to a puppy that is half bulldog, and then, when he’s finished his business, he will come out of the stall, naked, with poo-poo trails running down his arse, and then he will bend over, grab his ankles, show me his dirty butt and yell, “Daddy, wipe my booty butt!” in front of a bathroom full of elderly and wealthy gentlemen in Malibu.

My 7-year-old will sit on the couch while we watch Star Wars and when Princess Lea sits on Jabba The Huts lap in her slave outfit, my boy will pull out his penis and start piddling with it. “Why are you doing that, son?” I’ll ask. And he will. Say, “Because my penis feels funny when I look at her, and it makes it feel better when I do this.” I won’t have a comeback because, yeah, he’s right.

Basically, animals and children live 100% completely free and unencumbered by the social cues that the rest of us pick up on and follow.
This is a key ingredient to their happiness.

Some people probably think I should discipline my kids for this kind of stuff because these things aren’t socially appropriate.
And maybe they’re right.
They’re probably right.

But when I see my boy whip it out to Princess Lea, without a care in the world or any sniff of an idea that there might be something “weird” about it, I feel envious of his ability to be so carefree. The boy knows well enough not to do that at school, which is very important, but why should I care if he tickles his little pickle on the couch. If he’s good with it, I guess I’m good with it.

So no, I don’t discipline them for these kinds of things. I want them to be carefree and unencumbered from the pretense and shame that the rest of us have regarding our bodies.
I mean, eventually, they’ll get it, and they’ll learn to be embarrassed about their bodies just like every Susie and Joe out there. But for now, I just want them to be free and full of life, just like they are, and if it embarrasses The Bride every once in a while… well, I’ll take the heat.

Maybe it’s our social norms and social cues that separate us from animals, but all I know is that dogs and kids seem a lot happier than most grown ups that I know.



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