It’s a Facebook party!

I don’t like that when I receive a Facebook event invitations, Facebook only offers three possible responses:
1- Going
2- Maybe
3- Can’t Go.

This doesn’t cover all the possible true responses that people have in these situations. I would like to suggest to Facebook, a few more options:

1- I can go, but I’m not going because I don’t like you.

2- I can go, but I’m not going to because the last time I came to one of your stupid things I got cornered, for an hour, by someone trying to get me into Amway.

3- Maybe. Is there free boos?

4- Dude, your art/band/poetry sucks, and so I won’t be going to your thing. I’d rather stay home and listen to my wife keep a running tally of how many Friday night beers I’ve consumed by myself, on the couch, while watching House of Cards.

5- I’m going, because you’re my friend, but if you repeated your previous mistake of inviting my ex, Crazy Tina, then I’m going to have to break up with you for good.

6- I haven’t seen you since high school and we live seven states away from one another. Why the fuck are you inviting me to something in Alabama when I’m in California? Are you just trying to show off to everyone that you are having a thing? Yes, we all remember how popular you were in high school. So glad you’re still the shit. Now fuck off.

7- I wouldn’t come to your thing even if it made my wife’s tits grow into a couple Scarlett Johanssons and gave my children the athletic skills of LeBron James. You are a horrible person and please leave me alone forever.

8- I’ll come… But only if your sister is going.

9- Yeah, I’ll be there. My wife loves it when I go to parties hosted by one of my ex-girlfriends.

10- I’ll go, but only if you promise to stop sending me FarmVille invites.

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Peter the apostle walks into a bar…

Most rationale people look at something like Scientology and see it as being a cult. However, those same people might look at Mormonism or Catholicism and view them as completely legitimate ways of life. And that’s fine. To each their own.

However, if all “religions” agree that there is only one true God and one true way, then, by definition, doesn’t that mean that there is only one true religion, and the rest are all cults?

Seems to me the thing separating religion from cult is how long that particular school of practice has been in existence. I mean, most people agree that Scientology is a “cult” but that’s only because we have actual color photography of its founder.

I imagine if we had photographs of Peter the apostle throwing back brewskis with his boys and drooling over the wenchs serving their beer, that we might collectively decide that the Catholic Church is also a cult.

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They don’t see color… Except green

Once again, we have an issue of corporate greed that is being confused with a racial issue.

Colin Kapernick is being black-balled, says Charles Barkley and many others. And maybe he is. However, he isn’t being black balled because NFL owners don’t like his political positions. He isn’t being black balled because NFL owners are racist – I mean, that suggestion makes no sense. 75% of the NFL is black. These guys aren’t racists.

They are greedy capitalistic pigs that make every single decision as it relates to their financial bottom line.

Colin Kapernick is being black balled because he did something that pissed off a lot of veterans and also because he pissed off a lot of racists.

Sign Colin Kapernick to your team and you run the risk of losing some fans. Some of those fans you will be losing because they are super pro-American, ex-military veterans that feel deep anger at what Kapernick did, and they have a right to feel that way, and they have a right to vote with their dollars by not supporting a team with him on it.

You don’t have to agree with them.

Sign Colin Kapernick to your team and you run the risk of losing some racist white fans that hate Colin Kapernick and what he did simply because he’s a black man championing black causes.

The NFL doesn’t necessarily care if they are losing fans because those fans have a legitimate gripe, or if they are losing those fans simply because those fans are racist. All they care about is the fact that they are losing fans, thus, losing dollars.

That’s bad for business.

They’d much rather put Kap out of work and keep their fans than pick any kind of position on this issue. What people fail to see, time and again, is that these people at the top, the .01%, they aren’t racist- they don’t make decisions based on the color of people’s skin- the only color they see is green, and all decisions are made according to that.

Look at the NBA- Look at what went down with Donald Sterling. Donald Sterling said some racist shit and the NBApulled his franchise away from him.

Did they do this because they are good guys and they wouldn’t stand for what Donald Sterling said?

No. That isn’t the case. Donald Sterling was a racist long before he said those things, and they were very well aware of it. There was a long track record of racist behavior that they let slide. Donald Sterling was a slum lord that actually acted out racist policies against his tenants that were much more horrible than a couple silly comments.

But he didn’t lose his team for any of that.

He lost his team for telling his young lover that it was okay for her to fuck black guys but not okay to take pictures with them.

She recorded it, it blew up social media, it was a nightmare for the NBA and they stood to lose millions if they didn’t act quickly.

They acted quickly and they removed him.

But don’t let them fool you about their intent. Their intent was about the money. It was about the green. It always is. So too is this ordeal with Kapernick.

It’s always about the money.

The rich, of all colors, sit in their lofty thrones made from the skins of peasants and they laugh at us all while we argue over trivial bull shit like skin pigment.
They take your fat stacks of cash and add another zero to their bank account everytime you cry a tear for something you legitimately care about.
They only see green.
And if you want to beat them, if you want Kap to get a job, if you believe in what he stands for, the only way to show them is to hit them in their bank account.

You Can’t Lose To a Girl

Married People conversations-

The Bride- “You’ve been stretching your wrist for over an hour, can you stop fidgeting?”

Me- I have to get more range of motion in it.

TB- Why?

Me- Because I can’t bend it enough to do a handstand.

TB- You can’t bend it because you have a screw in it that’s been there for twenty years since you decided to climb up on a horse and ride it drunk. Why do you suddenly need to get more motion?

Me- So I can do a handstand.

TB- Why do you need to do a handstand?

Me- Because I told Jillian we were having a handstand contest at Christmas.

TB- You’re trying to stretch your broken wrist, that has been frozen for 20+ years, so that you can win a handstand contest against your 7 year old niece? Dude.

Me- Exactly. I’m not about to lose to a seven year old girl.

TB- You’re insufferable.

Me- You are.


Romeo and Juliet ain’t shit

Romeo and Juliet had unrivaled passionate love.
And they caught the hearts of millions.
Romeo and Juliet had Shakespeare’s wit and clever quill.
And they will live on forever in infamy.
But they will never know what it feels like:
To hug their child after he scores his first basket
To kiss their child’s tears after she skins her knee
To lay and hold their child, keeping them safe from the monster in their closet.
Romeo and Juliet may have the fireworks and romance,
But The Bride and I have the kind of love they will never understand.
Romeo and Juliet have nothing over The Bride and I.

Appropriate This

Culture is a living breathing thing that evolves and progresses and changes through blind copying.

Someone does something that is beneficial to them or society, or something that is admirable or cool and wins them social favor, people see it, they copy it, years go by and it becomes ingrained into their own culture.

There are no color boundaries around the spread of culture. Suggesting that white people should not participate in or “appropriate” and use the culture of others is to suggest two things:

1- That we are different and should stay in our own lane- (this promotes division between people, not unity.)
2- That this other culture should never become mainstream– this culture belongs to others, should only be consumed by them, and should stay hidden in the shadows of minority culture.

Stop saying “cultural appropriation.” All culture always has been, and always will be shared or “appropriated.”
Take that one step further and you can see that cultural appropriation is a necessity of a healthy society.

America is the melting pot of the world. All kinds of people come here from everywhere, they meet people from other parts of the world, and they make pretty little babies with those people, blurring the lines, just a little more, between the imaginary and arbitrary categories of race that we’ve drawn around humanity, to put it into categories.

We live together in integrated communities, our children play together at school. By constantly beating the “cultural appropriation” drum you are telling me that it would not be okay for my children to grow up playing with black kids at school, to develop a love for hip-hop music, and later, because of that love, to become a hip-hop artist for their career path.

Besides the fact that it might be slightly embarrassing to take our little Asian/white rapper home to rural Pennsylvania to see the folks, there’s nothing wrong with someone, regardless of the concentration of melanin in their skin, to have ambition in any walk of life.

Yeah, I’m aware that white rappers can be nauseating, as can white dudes with dreads, and it might even be slightly annoying to see them profit off of that. However, nobody has a problem with Tiger Woods excelling at golf and making zillions of dollars. Nobody has a problem with it because it’s understood that the spread of this culture and opportunity into other cultures is good for those cultures and good for America in general.

Appropriating one another’s cultures is how we begin to build bridges and find common interests. It’s how we learn to not only live together in communities, but to get along and genuninely like each other.

Otherwise, if you take away our ability to “appropriate” one another’s cultures, all you are left with is segregation.
In fact, we shouldn’t call it “cultural appropriation” we should call it “culture sharing.” Because if we don’t learn to share and enjoy one another’s cultures, what we end up with are many different groups of people that don’t understand one another. And with a lack of understanding comes ignorance and fear, and with those, you get war.



I now pronounce you man and goat

Just watched do an old episode of The Daily Show on YouTube where Jon Stewart refutes the likelihood that legalizing gay marriage will eventually lead to groups of people trying to get married.

He thought that was ridiculous.

I disagree.

John Stewart is a great comedian, and his political points are typically pretty well thought out. However, he’s wrong here. Now that gay marriage is legal (and it’s about time), eventually, groups of polyamorous lovers are going to try to get married and they are going use the gay rights platform to achieve the right to marry.

It’s inevitable.

Eventually, later, some guy will try to marry his kitchen table.

And so what?
Let him.
Quit being sanctimonious about the sanctity of marriage.
First of all, mind your own business.
Secondly, most marriages are miserable, people cheat, people lie, people get divorced.
Marriage isn’t holy. Never was.

You think it’s ridiculous to think that someday polyamorous people will want the right to marry one another? You don’t think it will happen?
You’re not being honest with yourself.
Where my Mormons at?
You think it’s ridiculous to take it a step further and think that one day Sally from Human Resources will want the right to marry her 72 cats?
You’re wrong.
We’ve seen battles for social equality fought in the past, we’ve seen those issues of individual rights won, and then we’ve seen them taken to the extreme.
We’ve seen it over and over and over again.

Just look at the issue of trans people that is happening right now. It’s become more mainstream recently, and that’s good. Trans people used to hide in the shadows of our society and now you have former male Olympic champions on the cover of magazines winning “Women of The Year” awards (I wonder how feminists feel about a former guy winning the woman of the year?) Anyway, the trans issue has been pushed further and further. At first, trans people just wanted to be accepted (and they should be), next they wanted to explore their rights in some gray areas like bathroom usage. Now you have parents giving children hormone therapy because they think little Tommy is a Tammy just because she likes playing with dolls. You have fifty year old men that now identify as 6 year old girls, and we are expected to go along with it. You have people who are “gender fluid” – they are boys one day, girls the next, and some days they are something in between the two. You have people claiming to be trans-species, they aren’t human at all, they are cats.
And so what?
Everyone should have the right to do whatever the hell they want to do as long as their “individual freedom of choice” doesn’t infringe on someone else’s rights.
I don’t know if it’s possible to be born with the brain of one sex and the body of another. I don’t know if this is just a form of some kind of mental disability. I honestly don’t know and I won’t pretend to know.
I do know that some people will be angry that I left the door open to the idea that this might be some kind of mental disability, like body dysmorphia, but I don’t care if people are angered. I deal in facts and reality, and at this point, this topic is still open to debate. I’ll leave it to the scientists to figure out.
All I know is that there are a couple trans-people in my family, they’re nice to me, I’m nice to them, and we all get along.
All I know is that, this week, I saw a bearded person, with huge tits, riding a pink bicycle with a pit bull in the basket.
I don’t know how this person identifies and I don’t care. That person’s choice to have a thick beard to compliment a large chest has zero impact on my life other than the fact that it made me smile because I found it interesting and a little humorous.
So, in a way, it brightened my day.
And I hope that person’s choices make that person happy.
(Notice I stuck with “person” rather than guessing a pronoun? I’m dumb, but I’m no dummy.)

The point is this: we should all be free to do as we choose so long as we cause no harm. Jon Stewart was wrong when he said that allowing gay marriage won’t eventually lead to more extreme things.
It most definitely will.
There was a gay wedding at my house this summer. It was beautiful. Being gay is not a choice, nor should we ever try to pretend it is. And gay people aren’t special; they deserve the misery that comes along with marriage just like the rest of us. I fought and marched for gay people’s right to marry going way back to the late 90s. Just like I’ll fight for the right for polyamorous people to get married, When that fight comes up.

Why? Because their rights are my rights. I am them. There are no “gay rights” or “trans rights” there are only “human rights.”

But please, don’t try to tell me that one day Fred from accounting isn’t going to invite you to his wedding, in which he marries his Luke Skywalker action figure.
It’s going to happen.
Out here, in California, marrying oneself is already a thing.
Don’t believe me? Google “self-marriage” – this is a real thing happening now.
I’ve been invited to a ceremony.
And I can not wait to go. It will be brilliant!

Look, we should all be able to do whatever we want. We get only one life, and that life is short. We all have the right to pursue our individual happiness, whatever that means.
Is it possible to be born with a penis, but a brain that is female?
No idea.
Is it possible to fall in love with a daffodil?
No idea.

But please, by all means, if you think cutting off your penis and changing your name from Nate to Nancy will make this life on Earth slightly less painful and a little more enjoyable, then do it. I’ll call you whatever name you want if it helps makes you happy, and I truly hope it does.
If you think that living out the rest of this existence in a committed monogamous and boring relationship with your electric toothbrush will make you happy, then, by all means, marry that toothbrush. And please, invite me, I definitely want to be a part of that wedding ceremony. I can’t wait to see the gift registry.

Let’s stop judging one another so much, let’s stop pretending that neighbor Joe’s personal life decisions somehow impact our personal rights, let’s stop pretending that we’re all scientists and have the answers to these complex questions, and above all, let’s allow our neighbors to pursue their own individual path towards happiness.

Being alive can be hard. Let’s not complicate it by getting in one another’s way.

Marry your friend Steve’s sweaty sock if you want.
Marry your chicken sandwich if that gets you off.

As long as it’s consenting adults making the decision, why does it matter to anyone who anyone else marries? It has literally zero impact on your life. If your friend marries his pet goat, and you don’t like that, then don’t be his friend anymore. Problem solved.

Live and let live, people!


Dangerous Encounter with Hairy Big Toe Monster

There was a stunning young lady in hot yoga today.
Long, wavy brown hair that moved rhythmically with her through each pose.
Soft, large, green eyes that would swallow you whole if got caught up in them.
Full pouty lips that could hypnotize a man to give away his ATM pin.
High and strong cheekbones that displayed confidence and demanded respect, but not in an intimidating way.
Long legs and a high buttocks that made her look like she was getting ready to strut down a runway and then drop-kick a skinny bitch off the edge of the cat-walk.
Perfect breasts.
So perfect that any attempt to describe them would fall far short of the mark.

I admired this stunning creature for the duration of our hot yoga class.
My neck is more limber than its been in at least a decade.
After class, I sat down next to her, just so I could be extra creepy and smell her sweaty, post-yoga aroma.
I bent to tie my shoes.
And then I saw it:
Big Toe Hair.
And it wasn’t just a singular lonely hair that had been accidentally missed like that one strip of grass that is growing against the fence that you can’t get at with your lawn mower.
This situation was a disaster.
It was like the lawn of that one guy who lives on your block whose wife died a decade ago and he hasn’t mowed the lawn since because he’s baracaded himself in the house with jars of his own nail clippings because he’s lonely and that’s the only thing that makes him feel better.
That’s what this big toe situation like that.
This girl’s big toe made her look like Big Foot’s cousin.
No, this girl’s big toe looked like it fought Big Foot’s cousin in a fight and won.
You could lose loose change in her big toe hair.
If this girl ate while barefoot, her big toe would collect crumbs the way my Uncle Dave’s beard does.

Ladies. Listen. You’re beautiful and we love everything about you, even the imperfections. Those imperfections are what make you so sexy.
Except for big toe hair.
You can’t have big toe hair.
Not acceptable.
I know we aren’t supposed to objectify you, and we are supposed to be able to move beyond things of this nature, but, welp, no. No big toe hair.
Big toe hair is a dead give-a-way that you do things half-assessed. A girl with hairy big toes also waits three to five more days than she should to shave her legs.
She doesn’t floss, but lies to her dentist and tells him she does.
She doesn’t reciprocate in oral.
She invites you over for dinner, orders take-out, and then pretends she cooked it.
Hairy big toe girl will laugh at your jokes, pretend to like sports and beer, make nice with your mother, and then, after you marry her, she’ll quickly gain 100 pounds, quit her job, lose her razor, forget where the washer and dryer are located, divorce you and take more than half and then she’ll run away to the deep forests of the Pacific Northwest and she’ll use your money to pop out a litter of hairy big toed children whom you’ll never get to meet, but whom you’ll forever be responsible for supporting.
Hairy big toes are a deal breaker.
Shave those toes lady.

(This post brought to you by sexism)


Be Free. Be Happy. Hump a Pillow.

A dog will sprawl out in front of the television while you’re trying to watch House of Cards, lick and slurp away at his ass-hole, and then jump on the couch, bite a cushion to pin it down so it can’t escape him while he fucks it, and then after, fully exhausted and requitted, he will jump up on your lap and lick your face without even the slightest hint of shame in his happy eyes.

My 5-year-old will walk barefoot off the beach and into the bathroom of the beach restaurant we just ate at so that he can make a poop in their restroom. He will take off all his clothes and put them on the floor because that’s how he does it at home, he will grunt and moan like a poodle that’s trying to give birth to a puppy that is half bulldog, and then, when he’s finished his business, he will come out of the stall, naked, with poo-poo trails running down his arse, and then he will bend over, grab his ankles, show me his dirty butt and yell, “Daddy, wipe my booty butt!” in front of a bathroom full of elderly and wealthy gentlemen in Malibu.

My 7-year-old will sit on the couch while we watch Star Wars and when Princess Lea sits on Jabba The Huts lap in her slave outfit, my boy will pull out his penis and start piddling with it. “Why are you doing that, son?” I’ll ask. And he will. Say, “Because my penis feels funny when I look at her, and it makes it feel better when I do this.” I won’t have a comeback because, yeah, he’s right.

Basically, animals and children live 100% completely free and unencumbered by the social cues that the rest of us pick up on and follow.
This is a key ingredient to their happiness.

Some people probably think I should discipline my kids for this kind of stuff because these things aren’t socially appropriate.
And maybe they’re right.
They’re probably right.

But when I see my boy whip it out to Princess Lea, without a care in the world or any sniff of an idea that there might be something “weird” about it, I feel envious of his ability to be so carefree. The boy knows well enough not to do that at school, which is very important, but why should I care if he tickles his little pickle on the couch. If he’s good with it, I guess I’m good with it.

So no, I don’t discipline them for these kinds of things. I want them to be carefree and unencumbered from the pretense and shame that the rest of us have regarding our bodies.
I mean, eventually, they’ll get it, and they’ll learn to be embarrassed about their bodies just like every Susie and Joe out there. But for now, I just want them to be free and full of life, just like they are, and if it embarrasses The Bride every once in a while… well, I’ll take the heat.

Maybe it’s our social norms and social cues that separate us from animals, but all I know is that dogs and kids seem a lot happier than most grown ups that I know.



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